Do we need to talk to our parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent, and can we see parental love in criticism?
Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya discussed these topics in her lecture “Childhood Resentments: Is There a Chance to Mend Damaged Relationships?”
Try not to forgive, but to understand.
They didn’t have the resources.
Remember that they had a very hard life—work, lack of money, procuring food, a labor-intensive household, standing in lines. Overburdened parents weren’t psychologically sensitive and provided their children with the resources they could manage.
They were young and inexperienced.
It can be very helpful to recall how old your parents were at that time. Often, they were just 25 or 26 years old—young, inexperienced, and insecure.
Don’t stay silent.
If you feel resentment towards your parents, don’t stay silent about it. You cannot ignore the fact that you suffered. For a long time, this topic was taboo, with only one option available: “Parents are holy people; they raised you and gave you life, you must love them, respect them, and not complain,” or “If you were unhappy, it’s your own fault.”
Don’t carry childhood traumas throughout your life.
This is another extreme. It would be best not to live your entire life complaining about your parents and blaming their mistakes for all your failures. Try not to live under the banner of “the child of an alcoholic,” “the person whom their mother didn’t love,” or “the person who was beaten as a child.” Sometimes, going through such a trauma is necessary, but it should ideally come to an end. When we were children, we had no choice about whether we would be hurt or not. Now, we have the choice to treat the trauma as just an experience or to allow it to shape our personality. If you find it difficult to get past this on your own, seek the help of a psychotherapist; there’s no need to live in this state for years.
Try to talk about childhood resentments with your parents.
Should you attempt to convey to your parents that they were wrong? Sometimes this helps. Parents have become calmer and wiser; they are no longer as overwhelmed as before. They are now raising grandchildren and often discover qualities of warmth and acceptance within themselves. Some may be ready for such a conversation. Sometimes, they can acknowledge and express regret for past mistakes, which can mark the beginning of new, warm relationships. Sometimes, acknowledgment of responsibility is simply necessary, especially in cases of serious abuse from parents. Just recognizing that it happened can often be the only condition under which children agree to continue communicating with their parents. You should say clearly: “It is very important for me that you acknowledge that this happened. I don’t need an apology, but it’s important that no one pretends I made this up.”
Leave them the right not to acknowledge their mistakes.
If parents defend themselves and say, “We did everything right; you are the ungrateful one,” they have that right. You have your own worldview, and they have theirs. Sometimes their psyche denies and represses everything. Trying to change someone at 70 years old is a bad idea. However, this often means that there won’t be a close relationship between you anymore.
Pity your younger self.
When we receive hurt from our parents, we are in the position of a very small being. You are not the judge; you are just a small child who had no choice. When we think about whether to forgive or not, we take on responsibilities that we shouldn’t have had. We cannot be older than our parents or judge them from a “higher” perspective. We can acknowledge our feelings and, from our current adult state, pity our younger self. We should explain to our younger self that such treatment of children is not acceptable so that they can hear it from an adult.
Allow yourself to be sad.
At some point, you need to allow yourself to be sad and recognize that there was something you didn’t have in childhood that you never will have because your parents simply couldn’t provide it. Acknowledging this can bring some relief.
Don’t wait for your parents to change.
Often, beneath grievances toward parents lies a childhood hope that they will change—hoping that dad will finally praise you and mom will finally love you. But dad and mom didn’t praise or love you simply because they were not capable of it. They have their own difficult childhood, circumstances, and psychological profile.
Learn to translate your parents’ language of love.
It is quite rare for parents to be completely incapable of giving anything other than criticism and rejection. Sometimes their language of love is just not what we would like to hear. We expect kind words, but their love might manifest as baking pies and feeding us until we’re full. We need to learn to translate their language into our own. For example, if mom is always grumbling but also prepares endless borscht and does the dishes, those pies and borscht are her way of saying, “I love you.”
Sometimes criticism is also care.
Endless criticism can be a kind of parental safeguard. It seems that if you constantly tell a child what’s wrong with them, they will eventually understand and start doing everything right. If you view it from this perspective, it won’t be as damaging. You need to learn to see it as care.
If your parents are deceased, your grievances won’t hurt them.
A deceased parent is not so different from a living one. When we feel hurt, we’re not angry with the parents of today, but with the parents who existed at the time of the hurt. Sometimes deceased parents are idealized, and it seems forbidden to think poorly of them or hold them accountable. But if they have passed away, your grievances won’t harm them in any way; in fact, it might help you. Sometimes you need to express anger and grievances to unlock the ability to love. Once you let go of the resentment, you can connect with the warm part of the relationship you had.