And you didn’t know how old age comes—when all the stacks smell of Corvalol, when you absolutely cannot laugh, lest you provoke a severe coughing fit, when you have glasses for near and far, one set to find the other.
— Vera Polozkova
Aging is a multidimensional process, but more often than not, the medical aspect of late-life changes takes center stage. However, for family members, the aging of relatives is a much more complex problem than physical ailments and illnesses themselves. Relatives often struggle to cope with feelings of irritation, guilt, and the challenge of overcoming alienation. The aging of relatives is not only a part of their life cycle but also a part of the family’s life cycle. Aging relatives require special treatment, care, and love. The situation of aging relatives is normal; every family encounters it one way or another, and each family must navigate this crisis. How? It depends on several factors: the previous relationships among family members, their tolerance, selfishness, empathy, maturity, anxiety, the family’s financial situation, employment characteristics, and more.
The knowledge of family members regarding the phenomenon of aging, its physiological, emotional, and existential nature, is significant. Without understanding this issue, it is difficult for relatives to build functional, caring relationships with aging relatives. Aging is characterized by certain features of both an internal and external nature, one of which is the proximity of death. This is a stage of human life that has no subsequent phase. The world of an aging person does not expand but narrows. In this period of life, the question of one’s attitude toward death shifts from being subtextual to the context of life itself. As strength wanes and weakness increases, feeling helpless and unnecessary, a person’s space fills increasingly with a tense dialogue between life and death. Reflections on death are not only activated by involutionary processes but also by the lifestyle of the elderly person. Subjectivity, detachment from immediate social stimuli, weakness, or complete lack of motivation to achieve success or comfort also concentrate a person’s consciousness on death. This is a time of recognizing the tragic nature of temporality for all family members.
The nature of aging is individual and should not be overshadowed by the general similarities in the changes that occur in all people. A thoughtful and empathetic approach is necessary when dealing with aging relatives. In every individual, the processes of aging occur at different speeds. Moreover, aging does not necessarily have to be associated with degradation and illness. Old age brings not only negative emotions. For many, it is a time of well-deserved rest, an acknowledgment of a life well-lived.
Children of aging parents often experience the aging of their parents acutely. As a person grows up, parents seem like omnipotent beings on whom one can rely entirely. Later, the illusion of omniscience and omnipotence becomes frustrated, and children lose confidence in their parents’ abilities. The changes brought about by aging strike at the feelings of family members. In some families, the topic of aging is never even addressed; there is no idea in their consciousness that parents can age. Children whose parents are aging gradually begin to feel orphaned while their parents are still alive, and they must become parents to their own parents. Not everyone is ready to accept the thought that such a state awaits them in the future. This is a time for reevaluating one’s attitude toward life and accepting greater responsibility. Initially, adult children go through a period when they witness their parents, once full of life, beginning to lose their strength, intellectual adequacy, and confidence, becoming anxious, irritable, and picky. The children’s reaction to all these manifestations is worry and sadness.
In the absence of love and respect in the family, children may feel anger, irritation, and even hatred toward their aging parents. Joseph Ilarado describes the emotions typical of children whose parents begin to age before their eyes. Initially, the signs of aging surprise and shock relatives. One client’s mother, who had recently been meticulous about her appearance and had made cutting remarks about the attire of other women, has started appearing in public looking careless and unkempt, which has left her daughter in a state of utter confusion. This indifference is usually explained not by the person losing their attentiveness and not realizing their actions, but rather by a loss of zest for life.
Sometimes, children are unable to internally accept the harsh and real fact that their parents have aged. Denial arises, a refusal to accept reality, and children prefer not to notice the manifestations of aging in their parents and behave as if nothing has changed. Some stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that their parents are no longer what they used to be and continue to demand that they reproduce the familiar and comfortable behavior for themselves, ignoring the needs of their weakening relatives. Such reactions emerge in the early stages of aging. Loved ones need time to adapt to the changes occurring.
Behind the children’s irritation at the loss of physical strength, energy, and intellectual adequacy often lies fear—fear of their mother and father’s death. Behind the children’s calls not to give up, to stay upbeat, to be optimistic, to not succumb to gloom, is the unspoken message: “Don’t dare age, don’t dare die, I’m scared!” It is frightening. It’s frightening to feel orphaned, to be left without mom and dad. And it’s frightening because, while their parents are alive, they stand between their child and death. When parents are gone, one realizes that there’s no one left “in between”: you are next, it’s your turn.
The next group of reactions arises after realizing that the parents have indeed become old. This can give rise to a range of negative emotions—resentment, dissatisfaction, impatience, emptiness. Such reactions are more likely to occur if there was a lack of mutual understanding between parents and children in previous times. An “intellectualization” reaction may occur, where children, unable to endure the sharpness of their feelings, begin to replace natural compassion with an in-depth study of literature about old age, searching for good specialists and pharmacological solutions. Adult children may find it hard to cope with their emotions, leading to nervous breakdowns. They may yell at their aging parents, treat them dismissively, and display aggression.
The family is a system, and every system strives to maintain equilibrium. Accordingly, Ilarado examines different types of family reactions to new life circumstances as either corresponding to this goal (i.e., functional, healthy) or contradictory to it (dysfunctional, unhealthy).
The main idea of the author is that, in changed conditions, when older family members cease to play their previous roles and become helpless, requiring more attention, the unconscious preservation of the established family structure and the desire to maintain unchanged role relationships can be destructive. The author advocates for flexibility and openness. It is desirable to distribute responsibilities among younger family members so that everyone can use their strengths.
Another conflict arises when a child becomes a parent to their own parent (taking responsibility, caring, tending, neglecting their own interests and needs), but parents still remain parents, and children remain their children; parents “do not relinquish their positions,” demanding that their opinions and desires be considered, submitting to parental authority.
When it comes to the elderly entering the final phase of their lives, it is essential to carefully plan the next steps for their care. All potential future developments must be taken into account. First and foremost, the wishes of the relatives themselves must be considered (if their minds are clear enough). In most cases, elderly people want to remain in their homes for as long as possible—home is familiar and comfortable, providing a sense of security and protection. Elderly individuals struggle with change. Co-habiting with an elderly person carries great responsibility. It is essential to thoroughly plan everything that can be done in the home to ensure comfort and safety. Changes must be made based on the relative’s health conditions: for the hearing impaired, install loud doorbells and phone ringtones; for the visually impaired, ensure bright lighting and use contrasting colors in the decor where possible. It is easiest to understand what changes are necessary by putting oneself in the elderly person’s shoes and trying to view their surroundings through their eyes.
When elderly individuals can no longer manage without assistance in their self-care, it is difficult for both them and their loved ones. A parent’s body is a taboo, especially if it is the body of a parent of the opposite sex. Here, both the incest taboo and feelings about intimate manipulations with the aging body performed by another person come into play. Boundaries dissolve. It is important to understand the natural shame of the elderly, to be delicate yet natural.
Old age ends, and a person enters the final phase of life—the last days before death. People who are on their deathbeds have a keen need for genuine human contact; they require honest and open communication. An important condition for normal emotional processing during this period is the openness of family members to each other.
If loved ones are open to genuine, untainted contact with their aging and dying relatives, they begin to realize that there is something previously hidden from them that holds significant and profound meaning. This challenging process ultimately enriches those who continue on their life journey, sweeping away the superficial and trivial.