“A child needs a father” – it’s unlikely that there’s a woman who hasn’t felt the pressure of this phrase. Some strive to follow this principle, desperately holding on to an unhappy marriage so that the child grows up “normal.” Others rebel against this principle with equal determination, having children “for themselves” and confidently leaving the father’s name blank on the birth certificate. This article is written for mothers (current or future) who want to understand why a child needs a father, what problems they may face when raising children with or without a father, and how these problems can be mitigated.
Psychologists from different schools describe the roles of fathers in child-rearing in various ways. If we combine and simplify these perspectives, it boils down to this: For a child’s development, it is important that the mother has her own life—other activities, significant people, and joys beyond the child. It’s also important for the child to see how people interact in relationships—how the husband and wife, or mother and father, engage in raising them, and so on.
Both boys and girls need to observe how men behave to form their future self-image or that of their future partner. If there is no father, the child may have difficulties developing a model of what a man should be like and learning family behavior patterns. However, similar issues arise if the father is unable to help the child develop a positive male role model. Often, we receive calls from women who say the head of their family humiliates, yells at, or even physically abuses them and the children, yet the mother stays in the marriage because “a child should not grow up without a father.” In such cases, we ask, “Do you want your son to imitate this man?” or “Do you want your daughter to seek out a husband like this father?” It’s unlikely that a father can raise a child completely different from himself simply by being present.
What can be done? If a marriage persists despite frequent conflicts, or if the father is involved in raising the child post-divorce, the following rules can be helpful:
- Don’t fight in front of the child—this is a personal matter between the parents and should not involve the child. Find a time and place to discuss problems privately.
- Don’t try to hide the fact that you argue—the child will sense something is wrong between mom and dad and either figure out that you are lying or start thinking constant fighting is normal in relationships. You can explain, depending on the child’s age, that sometimes mom and dad disagree or get angry at each other.
- Don’t speak ill of the other parent—it can harm the child’s self-esteem and create distrust toward both parents. You can explain that dad hurt mom deeply, and mom doesn’t want to see him anymore, but dad will always be dad to the child.
- Don’t try to “buy” your child’s love with gifts or leniency in discipline. If both parents, despite their conflicts, are involved in the child’s life, it’s crucial to establish a more or less consistent parenting strategy.
If, for some reason, the father is not present in the child’s life, it’s very important for the mother to have her own life. Women who dedicate themselves entirely to their child too often start living the child’s life for them: choosing their career, friends, and even hobbies. However, children often imitate their parents’ actions, and the fastest way to guide them is by example. It’s important for the child to have a variety of male role models to form an ideal image (for imitation or choosing a partner): relatives, teachers, coaches, and so on.
For the child’s development, it can be beneficial if the mother works with a psychologist after separating from a man—to avoid taking out her anger or grief on the child. Thus, having a father in the family does not guarantee psychological well-being, and the absence of a father does not doom the child to a range of problems in life and family. In essence, everything depends on how the close adults behave daily.